Read the experience of one of my clients, below, told in his own words about a love he just could not let go of:
“I came to Amy not really knowing what to expect. As I told her, I just couldn’t get this girl out of my head…for the past 8 years. I would see this long-time friend maybe two times a year and whenever we were together something sparked up and we’d end up dating and then she’d leave and go back home 10 hours away and I’d be a complete mess. I found myself constantly dwelling on my thoughts of why we couldn’t be together. My friends hated her because of how I acted. I just could not get over her. I compared every girl I dated to her. It was terrible. I’d be going through my day and whatever I did, I’d think, “Would Anna like this? What would it be like if she were here with me?” I dreamed about her almost every night… and then I’d wake up sad realizing it was just a dream and we weren’t together.
So in our first meeting, we discovered I was holding onto this girl. We listed how and why I was doing this and did an intervention to let her go. After this first session, I stopped dreaming about her and after a few more even thinking about her. And then, literally three weeks later, I met someone wonderful that brings out the very best in me. Now we have been going out for over six months and I have never been happier in life and I love the person that I am today.
It’s not easy to describe to someone what Amy does for people, but I can tell you that she has changed my life forever. You don’t feel the changes happening until you just see your reality clear up and positive things materialize in your life. Thank you, Amy.”
The “Hold Onto” pattern is the next common pattern we heal when working on the goal of “Get Happily Married”. In cases where a client is no longer with a romantic partner, it frequently happens that they hold onto this former love unconsciously to try to get certain really, really good things.
My client, who wrote the testimonial above, was afraid to move on because he had a phobia that the minute he let go of Anna, she would want him and he’d be over her and then they would never be together. There is a presupposition in this fear: Anna is the one and only one. If he didn’t have this presupposition, he would chalk the experience up to wrong timing—she wants him now that he’s over her, but he’s not worried about finding someone else. But no—in this situation, it feels like life, death and future happiness depends on being with this elusive person.
In a similar case, a man who was trying desperately to make the marriage work after his wife discovered the infidelity was holding onto his former lover. He did this by fantasizing that he would track her down and she would welcome him back and they’d live happily ever after, because she was THE ONE. At the same time, his behavior was speaking louder than his thoughts—he was with his wife and his children, working to build trust back; he was in therapy and had cut off the relationship. Because things were so exciting in the affair relationship, he was holding on to her for excitement and acceptance because, for obvious reasons, he was not feeling the love at home. Yet, he was home and they were both working away at really healing themselves and their relationship.
If you find yourself doing any of the following, you might be holding onto someone:
- Ruminating about how that person hurt you
- Talking about them all the time, more than you want to
- Dreaming about them frequently
- Fantasizing about them—positively or with revenge thoughts
- Imagining your life with that person
- Comparing your present partner to the old flame
- Comparing every new love interest to the past lover to see if s/he measures up
- Thinking that you will never get over them
- Saying or thinking things like “S/he was the one. I let them slip through my fingers. I didn’t realize what I had until it was gone.”
- Imagining what you would say if you saw him/her again
- Thinking of all the ways your old flame does things better than your spouse and discounting all things your spouse does do well and how s/he is available to you
- Being more attached to longing for someone than actually being in relationship
- Pining for the one who got away (More on this next week!!!!!)
We can easily break this seduction pattern with Healing from the Body Level Up, allowing you to let go of that past love and live in the moment. Whether that means appreciating the relationship you’re currently in or opening yourself up for that new relationship that could be right in front of your face, breaking the “Hold Onto” pattern is the first step.
If you recognize yourself in any of the above statements, please call me for either a short phone consultation or for an appointment. Release that old flame and open your heart to love: (949) 929-5470 or use my online form by clicking here.
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